First love never fades
by Honey70635
Summary: takes place in 3.07. jess's thoughts about him and Rory. Literati....Have you ever asked yourself why he followed her? here's the answer! lol


**So...there's not a lot to explain...You can already read this in german but I thought I could translate it...so I did it...This takes place in "They Shoot Gilmores Don't They". and these are Jess's thoughts about Rory and him. I'm sorry for some grammar mistakes!  
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**I hope you like it and I'd like to get some information 'bout it!so please review review review! **

**Enjoy reading!**

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_**You won't believe me when I say I like you, but deep inside it's true. It's hard to accept the feeling when you have someone else. Giving him your heart, while I am still giving you mine.**_

Here I am. Standing next to the dancefloor in the gymnasium, watching some crazy dancers. What leads me here? I could do so many other things. I mean, I'd have the town for myself. It's almost empty because everyone is here and I could do whatever I wanted to do. But instead of that I am here. But what am I doing here?

"Mum, I wanna sit down. My feet hurt! And I want a cup of coffee...Mum!"

"Okay okay, honey, there'll be a break soon. I'm sure. But don't forget:..."

"...We're here to steal the trophy from our Rocky-Fan Kirk. I know..."

I'm here because of you. You look beautiful in this dress. I glance at the score board. You're dancing for almost 23 hours. Actually I'm pretty sure you think that this is insane but you'd do everything for your Mum.

You two are passing me by but you don't look at me. Why are we having this ridiculous little battle?

Suddenly I can feel a soft pull on my right sleeve.

"I'm hungry."

Because of that. I've got a girlfriend now. Just like you, I am in a relationship now and you don't like this at all. But why? You have Dean. This tall scaring jealous guy. And that's what this is all about. We're hurting each other. But why?

The sudden sound of a horn is ripping me away from my thoughts.

The colorful bunch of dancers scatters and everyone escapes to outside to relax.

"Go and get something to eat. I'm waiting here." I am saying to Shane and she gives me an odd look but without saying anything she leaves. Our relationship is strange. But this is not what it's all about. I really don't care what kind of relationship this is. I can't have you so why should I live like a hermit? I don't want to wait my whole life just for you. At the end I'll recognize what I have missed because of you. And I don't want to regrett anything.

Now the gymnasium is almost empty and you are standing at the other side with Luke, your Mum and...Dean. What do see in him? He doesn't match you in ANY way. And I doubt that you've got an other opinion about that. You're hugging him and looking around the hall until my glance catches yours. We're staring in each others eyes and even with that long distance I can see you like you were standing right in front of me. I know your face better than mine, I guess. No one wants to break this ban but at last you're looking away, cuddling Dean. Why? You've given him your heart but you forgot that I was still here, wanting you to take mine. I really like you very much and I think you deserve to know it. But what a damage would this be! I don't even know what you're feeling. You've always been so nice and open to me and I liked you since we first met, but since the wedding there had been a change. You've been away this summer and you didn't even tell me. You're kissing me and then you're running away. At this moment, at the wedding, I thought you'd like me. At least a bit. But Dean's still there. And he'll always be there. This will never change, I guess. He'll always be something special. He's your first boyfriend and this is always important. But I just can't stand him.

You kissed me. You don't kiss someone, without having feelings for this someone. And maybe that is exactly the point that is scaring you. And that's why you're hurting me.

Suddenly the room gets refilled with people and I can hear the quiet noise of a soft melody.

You put your hands around your mother's neck and you start spinning again, fighting for your trophy.

Shane's back. She is bored and I told her so many times to go home but she always says she wants to stay. Maybe she can feel that something is wrong.

At last I am able to look away from you and start to read my book. It's Hemmingway. Again. I always thought your disfavor was funny. I can't understand that you don't like him. Why are people liking or hating something? What's the reason for that? Why do I like you so much and why did I fall in love with you?

I'm in love with you? That's the first time I'm thinking about that. Maybe I just never wanted to agree with this thought. Am I really in love with you? I have been in love before, but it never caused these feelings. I can't barely be in the presence of you but I am searching for it over and over again. It's weird to think about something like that.

Suddenly I can hear a little scream and I look up. It's your Mum. Her heel broke. She looks around searching for help and finally waves to Dean.

She's taking your hands and you lean against him. Seems like you're dancing with him now.

I can hear some words you're saying: "...just trying to bug me, sitting there right in front of me, staring. Jerk."

As I look at you two my heart clenches and I strart starring at my book again. Right. Starring. I can't read right now. I can't think about anything else except of you. All my thoughts are just about you. And I don't wanna show you that it bothers me what you're saying. I don't wanna give you that satisfaction. Okay, I'm just here to be near you and I know my presence makes you think about everything. And that is it what you want to prevent. And that's why you're avoiding me.

"I'm bored." Shane says suddenly. I can't concentrate on the book so I start kissing her. But every time I kiss her I pretend it were your lips. With her everything is different. I can't sit with her anywhere for hours, just talking and discussing. That's not her. But we could. We could talk the whole night without getting tired. And I'd love to kiss you instead of her! But you have Dean. You've had him before the thing with us happened. And you'll always have him, but that doesn't mean that you have the prerogative to have a boyfriend. I can have a girl too! I know this is ridiculous. But that's the game we're playing for weeks, now. And we know that we are hurting each other but in any case this seems to be the reason for that. Why is man hurting the person, he loves the most, but can't have? Why are we doing this?

I still can hear you slandering. But I think you just need a reason for talking 'bout me. Even if the reason is really lame and stupid.

You start slandering 'bout Shane. It's not her fault so I have to say something.

"Hey, you're talking 'bout me?"

That's the first time you are looking at me today. But in your look I can see something strange. I think you're uncomfortable with this awkward situation, too.

We start saying mean things to each other. Dean is getting more and more upset.

"...and if you don't like it, then just ignore me and pay attention to your boyfriend." But I don't want you to ignore me... Whatever.

Apruptly Dean's taking your hands away and goes some steps back. My senses are like turned off. I just hear some words sometimes but I can't understand the sense of them. And I really don't know what to think. I see you standing there, looking at Dean like he is crazy and he is almost screaming but I can't realize what he is talking about.

"...I'm tired, but I'm over it, so go ahead, go. Be together. There's nothing standing in your way now, 'cause I'm out." he says and rushes off.

You're stadning there dumbfounded, looking in the direction he went, not moving. I'm looking at you. Has he been serious? But you don't deserve you heart to be broken in front of everyone. Especially not here. Not now.

Okay, you can't resent this. His girlfriend played a really bad game with him. So it was just a matter of time.

Confused you're leaving the gymnasium. Taylor is yelling something but nobody notices.

What are you feeling? You know Dean said the truth. He was right with all the things he said. And everything was just exactly like he said. So, he was right about me. I don't know what you're thinking about this. What are you feeling 'bout me? Is it just friendship or are your emotions much deeper? From time to time I have the fantasy that someday I'd be able to read your mind while staring at you. But I doubt at that. But the people live with hope. They are taking their power out of hope and not knowing what the neyt day will bring. If we knew when we were going to die, life wouldn't as exciting and new as it is now. We know that some day we are going to die but it's in the hands of fate to tell us when.

The only posibillity to get to know what you are thinking about us is to ask you. But what if I don't like this answer? What if your answer throws my hope away? I know, that nothing can ever change my feelings for you. I'd still love you.

Like in a spell I stand up and get my jacket on. My mouth says to Shane that she should go home and that I have to take care of something, but my head is not here. I'm thinking about you and about what is going to happen. But I have to try to firgure it out. This is my chance and if I don't take that chance, I'll always regrett it.

But whatever happens, I know you'll always have the biggest part in my heart and I'll always think of you.

I take my stuff and follow you into the cold night, searching for answers and maybe finding these answers.

_**Loving you secretly is a hard thing for me to do, hoping, wondering, wishing that you'll feel the same way, too, but I can't read your mind if you love me, too. But whatever it is, I'll still be loving you.**_

**The END**


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